Want To Feel Better About Yourself? Read This.

*Disclaimer - a lot of this post was written a couple weeks ago - I sat down to write a brand new entry tonight, but some of this shit cracked me up, so I am leaving it in!!*

**Second disclaimer - there is a lot of profanity in this post. To those who are offended, I am sorry. To everyone else, I swear on my life it is all warranted**

Hi. It's been a while. A long while. Too long. I have scraps of paper all over my existence with things that I want to write about but haven't. Sorry. All good? OK. Here are a few things that have happened to me in the ensuing months since I last wrote that might make you feel better about yourself:

1) I have to start with this one because it happened recently. I spent several hours of my life not only *watching* but LOVING The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm not embarassed about it because there is no shame in my game. But I feel that anything that I do alone while my husband is out of town that, upon hearing about my actions, would cause him to look at the floor and shake his head in disgust must be made public. Saves me from guilt later. So...the show is the bomb, and I could TOTALLY be a NJ housewife. Love the hair. Love the nails. Love the accent. Don't love the "my daughters are my best friends even though they are all under age ten" but whatever. To each her own.


2) Mother's Day. Beautiful sentiment in theory. Love that my husband let me sleep in....got the boys up, did the whole diaper/teeth brushing/dressing thing, made them breakfast and kept it all to a dull roar. Beautiful. I was awake and heard whispering outside the door around 10 AM...when the door opened, my beautiful (coached) sons ran in saying, "Happy Mother's Day!!!!!" with the biggest grins you could ever imagine. The fact that Yancey ran to the bed while Foster tripped and fell on his face at "Happy Moth....." is really OK. Then I was handed a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte Extra Hot One Splenda (WHY does he make me write it down every time if he can do it on his own??). Ahhh....happy glow. THEN....then then then......because I couldn't leave well enough alone......I asked my husband, "What if I'd wanted to sleep beyond 10AM? What if that was what 'Please, sleep in on Mother's Day' meant to me?" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Tough Shit." (not with his mouth, of course , but with his eyes and with his whole entire being). Love that man enough to laugh (sort of ) at that. A lesser man might have taken the latte and walked out of the room.

*New addition to the above......after I wrote it, Father's Day happened. And the funniest part is that I planned to let Yancey sleep in AS LONG as he wanted - no waking his ass up at 10AM just for paybacks. I'm a good wife like that. But he ruined it by coming downstairs early! I hadn't prepared the boys or wrapped the gifts. So, I tried my best and asked boys, "What do we say to Daddy? Happppyyyyyy..........????" and they said, "Happy Mother's Day, Daddy!" Priceless.



3) Oh - later on Mother's Day......the boys were jerks all day, and Foster launched himself out of his crib in anger and landed straight up and down on his head. Little Turd. And, so scary that Dad was pinching his toes to make sure he could still feel his legs. So, although we've had a long road to get where we are, please know that I am convinced DAILY that I need Remedial Parenting 101. Nice job, Foster.....on Mother's Day. You suck.



4) We have taken some video of the boys over the last couple of months. The boys are adorable, but in EVERY clip....all I can do is stare at myself and wonder at how much I have aged and grown (weight-wise, not in wisdom). Who DOES that??? Who looks at videos of her kids and stares at herself more than at her kids? *Sigh......big Sigh.....* Me.



5) The following words/phrases are now part of my children's vocabulary. Some regular, some for shock value:



GO! GO! MOVE IT STUPID PEOPLE! (In the car)

Don't you tell me No!!!!

Wash my butt.

G*d Damnit Annie! (I apologize if this offends you. It offends me as well, and I cannot imagine where in the world my children would have heard this.)

Mommy, that shirt is too small on you. (Would anyone like a 2 and a half year old shit-head?)



6) It is no longer enough to keep up with all the gossip sites known to man. I have now become addicted to a consipracy theory website devoted to Brangelina. I am miniscule. I am beyond help.



Something hit me the other night as the boys were rough-housing in a game to which only they knew the rules. Anytime anything happens to the boys (bumps, bruises, choking, sneezing, falling etc.), we say, "Are you OK?" And the boys are really good about saying "yes" if they aren't terribly hurt. AND, they have now taken to asking us if WE are OK if they hear us say, "ouch" or if they see us stub our toe or something. So......as they were playing the other night, totally caught up in that game that only they understood....running all around the bedroom and closet and bathroom......running, spinning, laughing. I heard a large THUMP and worried that something might have gone really wrong in the closet. But before I could say anything, I heard Foster's quivering voice say, "I'm........OhhhhKayyy." Broke my heart. Still does.


So, now we are all here mid-summer with a newly diagnosed severe peanut allergy (Yancey) and diapers that have been blowing off due to some sort of stomach irregularity for the last 2 weeks. I went to the pediatrician's office this morning for the "stool sample" kits that I demanded. Well, I didn't demand them....I politely told the nurse that I was going to bring them poop in a jar on Monday, and they offered the sample kits up easy as pie.

The boys are throwing tantrums left and right and are generally taking after both of their parents in spades. We have discovered the beauty of Skype, and my parents think it's hysterical that I try to sit there and "Skype" with them and the boys while one boy flushes things down the toilet and the other breaks the printer - all off camera. Who invented stupid Skype anyway? I wonder if this blog would be any different if I had girl spawn? I will find out soon enough - my sister has a new baby girl. I wonder if she'd notice if I switched her out for one of mine?